Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
