dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
