Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
