I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
