I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
