i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
