She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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