Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
