i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
