Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
