hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
