first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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