i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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