I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
what day is it and did you see me today?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
