I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
