you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
