My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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