I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
