Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
