Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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