I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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