I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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