i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
