So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
