seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
