I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
a search helicopter?!
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
