There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
