Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
