two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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