You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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