Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
