I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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