I heard we made out
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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