I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
