Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
