Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
