my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
how drunk are you?
Several
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize