new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
