Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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