I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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