he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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