so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
