Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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