Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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