My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
