my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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