In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
