so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
