Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
