You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
