If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
