Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
