then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
