Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
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