dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
