apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
