My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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